Blogmotron

As you know, the government is talking about giving us all a bunch of money soon. Now, I know you’ve got a mortgage and credit card debt to pay off and retirement and college funds to save for, but come on man, your fellow Americans are DEPENDING on you to spend that money. So, just in case you need some prodding, here is a helpful list of ridiculously irresponsible, but fun, ways to blow your rebate check:

1. Buy one bottle of super-premium rare wine. (Or whatever alcohol you prefer.) You’ve seen hundred-dollar bottles on the top shelf in the store, and you’ve always wondered what’s so great about them. Well, now you can get six and have a tasting party! Or -why not?- go for the gusto and order the one $600 bottle off the internet.

2. Buy 50 albums from bands you’ve never heard of before. Why not broaden your musical horizons legally for a change?

3. Buy 100 cups of coffee. What, don’t you watch Futurama?

4. Buy two of these truffles. Sadly, the $1000 gold-leaf sundae is still out of reach, but eating a $250 truffle is a pretty good consolation prize.

 5. Buy a purebred chihuahua puppy. Now, I know you could get a lab or a collie or even a pomeranian for a much better pounds-of-dog per dollar ratio, but if you’re thinking that way, you’re missing the point of this list.

6. Get a PS3. Zing! (Sorry… I couldn’t resist.)

What’s the most irresponsible use of the money you can think of?

My husband and I, we’re nonconformists. We were nonconformists before we’d even met, and now that we’re married, our levels of nonconformity have the potential to increase exponentially. It is not unusual for “normal” folks to react to our unusual choices with discomfort, resistance, or even outright admonishment.

This is how I know we’re actually nonconformists and not posers: I am constantly surprised at WHICH choices make people uncomfortable.

For example, when we got married, I thought the Big Issue would be children - we don’t have children and are pretty sure we don’t want any - but it’s hardly been an issue at all. Turns out nobody is really uncomfortable with a childless couple anymore. No, if you want to shock people these days, you have to tell them, “We’re not planning to buy a house.”

What do you mean, you’re not planning to buy a house?

We’re not looking. We’re not saving for a down payment. We’re renters, and we’re going to stay renters for a long time. We don’t really WANT a house.
“Oh, don’t be silly!” They say. “Of course you want a house. Everyone wants a house. You need a place of your own, and it’s a great investment, blah blah blah…”

It’s like they don’t believe me. But really, folks, I don’t WANT a house.

Renting saves time. I don’t want to waste all my free time doing maintenance, yardwork, and cleaning on 2500 square feet of space we don’t even use.

Renting saves money. I don’t want to pay all those taxes. I don’t want to spend thousands of dollars buying appliances that will have to be maintained and replaced. I don’t want to spend thousands of dollars paying people to keep up our yards or cleaning the 2500 square feet of space that we don’t use anyway. I don’t want to spend thousands of dollars paying the heating and cooling bills of 2500 square feet of space that we don’t use anyway.  Plus, living in a small apartment kind of forces us not to spend thousands of dollars on unnecessary possessions (where would we put them?).

(I know that “renting saves money” is a potentially controversial statement. A blog called Millionaire Mommy Next Door has a lot to say on this subject that I find interesting and helpful. But regardless of whether you agree with me, you can probably agree that renting is a more simple financial choice.)

We don’t need the false sense of security that owning a house gives people. No matter how bad it gets, we have friends, family, and a church community who will ensure we never end up on the streets. That’s far more than you can say about a pile of bricks.

And finally, as to how good an investment real estate is… um… have you been reading the news lately?

If you have played or know of the game Portal, then this would be the perfect Valentine’s Day gift.

(There are several forms of weighted companion cubes available on etsy, but this one is definitely the cutest.)

In my world, cynicism is expected and sarcasm is cool. And you know what? I’m sick of it. I’m tired of tensing up every time I tell a story, express an opinion, or share a vulnerability, knowing that in return all I will get are quips and jabs. I’m sick of being jabbed at. It’s not funny anymore; it’s just draining.

And I suspect I’m not the only one who feels that way. So I dare you to try and go a whole week without making one sarcastic remark, one cynical jab, one “just kidding, dude!” insult. Try saying encouraging things instead.

I know it’s not very cool, and it requires thought and sincerity and all that, but come on. Wouldn’t you rather be meaningful?

The good folks at Oxford have put together a complete list of terms for groups of animals-you know, “a pride of lions” and “a murder of crows” and “a battery of barracuda” and all that. Sure, there are other lists floating around online, but those same lists probably tell you that a duck’s quack doesn’t echo. This is a list you can trust (they even give you a bibliography). Plus, for my fellow language nerds, they note which terms are standard, specific (a “cast of bees” refers only to an afterswarm), or just plain ridiculous (”a pietousness of doves,” really?).

My favorite fact: sometimes, a group of three is referred to as “a couple and a half.” I am totally going to start using that in reference to humans.

Lots of people I know (myself included) have too much stuff, and constantly struggle to do something about it. We throw stuff out, but more stuff comes in, and we throw more stuff out, but it feels like we’re bailing water out of a leaking boat on a very slow journey to the bottom of the sea.

But we don’t have to drown in clutter. By changing the way we think about our possessions, we can both plug the leak (buy less) and bail faster (hoard less).

What do you think your stuff is? Your identity? Your security? Your precious, irreplaceable memories? Your fulfillment? Who told you that? Marketers, I bet. They’ll tell you whatever they can to get you to buy more stuff, and you know that, so stop listening to them! (You can find much better identity, security, memories, and fulfillment in your relationships than in your stuff.)

Instead, think of possessions as tools. Keep the things that have a specific purpose, that enable you to live your life, and get rid of anything useless. Pots and pans help you prepare food. Clothes keep you warm. Art makes your home more hospitable. But that pile of obsolete computer equipment, what purpose does it serve? That stack of old magazines, what is it enabling you to do? That box of outdated clothing, what does it help you accomplish?

The bottom line is: if it’s not helping you do something, it’s getting in your way. Get rid of it.

Throw a party, but only invite people you haven’t seen at a party in at least a year.

According to Adbusters, we are currently in the middle of “Slow Down Week.” Now, their site has a little flash cartoon that shows us the emptiness of our supersonic, microwaved lives, and that’s all lovely and dire, but it doesn’t offer much in the way of advice. So here, I offer you three small ways you could celebrate Slow Down Week:

Eat breakfast, and eat it at home. For most of my life, my mornings would go like this: sleep as late as possible, get ready in as short a time as possible, speed to school or work. Breakfast, on the rare days when I ate it, came from a drive-thru or a vending machine. And I always felt rushed. Waking up 15 minutes earlier and eating a bowl of cereal is such a simple thing, but when I do it, my mornings become so much more endurable. (I’m just not a morning person.)

Go birdwatching. You can do this as an elaborate, get-up-at-dawn-and-bring-the-binoculars excursion, or you can just stroll around the block and see what you see. Heck, you can just stare out the window! Birds are great because they’re both pretty (just look at a blue jay sitting on a fence) AND funny (just look at a blue jay dive-bomb a squirrel sitting on a fence). Plus you get to feel superior because you’re out appreciating nature instead of watching the stupid TV.

Have a tea party. Invite a friend or two over. Go all out: use the kettle and pot, the high-quality loose tea, the milk, the honey, the sugar, the lemon.* Serve biscotti or scones or little sandwiches and take time to enjoy each other’s company. (Affect British accents if you’re into that kind of thing.)

Any more suggestions? Leave me a comment! I’m always looking for ways to live slower.

* Don’t use lemon and milk at the same time! The lemon juice will curdle the milk.

I am the blogmotron.

But I am not a robot. And neither are you. So why do we act like it so often?

This blog will not take part in the robot parade. This is a blog for minds and souls and meat.

I am not nearly as crazy as this post makes me sound.

Hurray for the internet!